A Maranatha Tale, from the lost book of “Stuff We Forgot to Tell You”:

In the days of the ruler Reagan, two young men, Rick and Roger, felt compelled to go hiking on Turkey Mountain. As they were hiking on the trail, an elf popped out of the brush and said, “Hey, you guys look like you could use a set of Snack Commandments!” Thinking this was a trick of the great Keebler to tempt them, the young men looked at each other, then at the elf and both said “Nope.” The elf scurried back into the brush and the young men finished their hike.

The years went by and the young men forgot about the elf and focused on raising their families and securing their respective retirements. They acquired a small amount of wisdom – mostly by making mistakes – and soon found themselves thinking of their sixties as the new forties, or at least the new late fifties.

Now in the days of the ruler Trump, they found themselves leading the tribe known as Maranatha. They quickly adopted a policy of “Try not to mess this up”. The first six months went well, but then there was a great outcry, lamenting and gnashing of teeth regarding the snacks and more specifically with the understanding of responsibilities regarding the snacks. To be fair, there was always gnashing of teeth with the snacks. That’s what you do with a snack – you gnash it with your teeth. Duh.

After the briefest of investigations, the two men concluded that the tribe could benefit from a set of Snack Commandments and regretted the day they turned away from the elf. “Where, oh where can we find such a set?” cried the men. Lo, the elf appeared to the men, who rejoiced that they did not have to hike Turkey Mountain again to find him. The elf then presented them with the following commandments along with a complimentary set of festive napkins:

The Snack Commandments

I. Thou shall set before the tribe a table with two kinds of snacks, each divided according to their kind, guilty and healthy.

II. There shall be a Provider of each kind of snack unless a single Provider chooses to provide both.

III. The Provider of one kind of snack shall setup the snack table and the Provider of the other kind of snack shall clean up the table immediately after class.

IV. Both kinds of snacks shall be delivered and set up by 9:40 on the Sabbath Day.

V. The Provider responsible for cleanup shall profusely thank Becky Morris for her help, but they shall not rely upon her to do it for them.

VI. After setup, the Providers shall be stationed at the door and greet the members of the Maranatha tribe upon arrival. Lost and wandering members of the tribe shall be shown the way and prospective members and visitors shall be dragged forcibly into the classroom.

VII. The Providers shall warmly welcome visitors and lead them to walk in the righteous path that leads to the coffee machine and the snack table.

VIII. When called upon to report visitors and guests, the Providers shall do so in a loud and cheerful voice that conveys the great joy with which the tribe celebrates the presence of these wanderers.

IX. That’s about it. We couldn’t think of nine, much less ten.

The two men read the commandments and said: “Let there be clapping of hands and slapping of thighs for the Maranatha tribe has been given the Snack Commandments. Surely Snack Joy will reign in the house of Maranatha for all the days of our lives. Or at least until the end of our term.”

And the tribe said “Amen.”

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Published in: on July 5, 2018 at 12:17 pm  Comments Off on A Maranatha Tale, from the lost book of “Stuff We Forgot to Tell You”:  
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